World Class Workers Games

The programmeOlympic disciplines

Six events, sanctioned by the International Federation of Office Sports (which, like every committee, meets weekly to decide when to meet next).

Inbox Zero Sprint

Athletes start with 400 unread messages. The first to reach zero without pressing "Mark all as read" wins. Pressing it is the doping of the discipline.

World record: 11 min 04 s

Meeting Marathon

42 back-to-back calls, camera on, no bathroom break. Points deducted for every visible yawn. Bonus for "sorry, you were on mute".

World record: 9 h 12 min

Synchronized Reply-All

Teams of eight must all reply "Please remove me from this list" to the same thread within one second. Judged on timing and sincerity.

World record: 0.4 s spread

Calendar Tetris

Fit an all-hands, two one-on-ones and a dentist appointment into a Tuesday that already looked full. Overlaps are a foul.

World record: 14 meetings

Slide Deck High Jump

Build the tallest deck the steering committee will actually sit through. The bar is raised by ten slides per round.

World record: 186 slides

4x100 m Coffee Relay

From the machine on floor 2 to the meeting room on floor 6. The mug is the baton. Lids are allowed, sugar is a matter for the judges.

World record: 1 min 58 s

Qualifying roundYour Inbox Zero Sprint

Twenty seconds on the clock. Emails keep arriving. Archive them as fast as you can, and see which medal the jury gives you. Do not reply. Replying only creates more emails, everybody knows that.

Time 20.0

Archived 0

Best 0

Press "On your marks" to open your inbox

StandingsMedal table

Nations are replaced by departments, because at work, that is where the real borders are.

Department	Gold	Silver	Bronze
Marketing	12	4	9
Sales	11	11	2
IT ("have you tried restarting")	7	3	6
Finance	6	6	6
HR	3	8	5
Legal (under appeal)	0	0	14

Every figure on this page is invented. Any resemblance to your own open space is, sadly, entirely likely.

Three office workers in suits on an olympic podium holding staplers and mugs under stadium lights

Hall of fameAthlete profiles

Fictional champions. Real disciplines.

"The Archivist"

Inbox Zero Sprint, Accounts Payable

Trains with notifications on, as a form of altitude training
Signature move: the silent swipe
Has never once written "Hope this finds you well"

"Mute Button"

Meeting Marathon, Product

Can nod convincingly for four hours
Owns three ring lights, uses none
Quote: "I think we're aligned"

"Double Booked"

Calendar Tetris, Sales

Schedules lunch as "Focus time"
Once attended two calls at once with two headsets
Banned for life from shared calendars in two countries